People the Humidity Makes me Want to Punch in the Face

Gettin pretty swampy. (Flickr: Andrew Coulter Enright)

Gettin pretty swampy. (Flickr: Andrew Coulter Enright)

…Because when you hate the humidity, pretty soon you start to hate everything in the humidity.

  • Sweater lady: What in GOD’S NAME is wrong with you? Just looking at that thick layer of wool coating your arms and torso, that collar at your neck, makes me feel ten times more hot and clammy and disgusting than I already do. It’s a hundred degrees out here, and you have to come stand at the bus stop like you’re all ready for a friggin ski-and-hot-cocoa weekend in Aspen.
  • Strong weird scent on the bus guy: Look, buddy. I studied environmental studies. I’ve known my share of herbal-hygiene-product-type people, but—DUDE, I have never smelled anything quite as fiercely, offensively WEIRD as whatever the hell you put on your body this morning before standing four inches from my face on the bus.
  • Smart phone-distracted pedestrian taking her sweet time to shuffle across the crosswalk in front of me: WALK FASTER, MORON.
  • Driver who tries to burn through an intersection only to slam on the brakes, all huffy and offended-like, to realize I am in the crosswalk: Sneer face. What gives, Mercedes from Virginia? I am a pedestrian here! I have rights! And, anyway, I hope you’re happy—your car is the downfall of America!
  • Sidewalk biker who gives no warning before passing within centimeters of my body: Learn some g-d bike etiquette! Peh, amateur.
  • Your token “What? But I just love this weather!” coworker: In the first place, no one wants to hear that right now. In the second, you have horrible taste, and everyone hates you.
  • The ex-boyfriend who used to say, “All right! It’s getting pretty swampy out there!” with gusto: Really shoulda picked up on that red flag.
  • Whomever created the new WashingtonPost.com pay wall: Jerkhead! Can’t a girl get a free click for the Capital Weather Gang forecast?! I am just trying to find out when this heat wave, this humidity bubble, this relentless, merciless, simmering summer!, will finally find the decency to go away and leave me in peace. Because what I really need right now is just to cool off.
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2 comments on “People the Humidity Makes me Want to Punch in the Face

  1. Terra says:

    This is why I love you, Lauren. Not to say that I don’t love your reflective, considerate side that worries about the kind of person you are in your writing (unless I missed what your concerns really were in the following post…might have…there were a lotta big words in there ^^). But my point is that this post is hilarious, so damn true, and we have ALL felt like this at times (except for those annoying, perma-positive people who clearly were born with less nerves in their bodies and can’t perceive as much of life as we normal people do) so it was actually really satisfying to live vicariously through your rant!
    If you hadn’t written about this, what would the alternative have been? Saying it to their faces?? We all know THAT’S not okay, so I say let it out in writing sister! Especially when you are as gifted as you are at expressing it – let me just say again, hilarious! You can’t help it if you get a lot of clicks! Misery may love company, but humor loves it even more.

    • Lauren K. says:

      Terra, thank you. You are so thoughtful and sweet to share. (And thanks for reading my stuff, girl!) Isn’t it weird, how self-doubt can make us question ourselves? I really, really appreciate the nudge to keep stretching the ole comfort zone. And you’re right. You’re so right! Humor does love company. I like that a lot. And I’m going to keep it mind…hmm. Thanks so much, my friend. I’m lucky to have you as a friend–and reader.

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