Today, Vice President Joe Biden stopped at Washington, D.C.’s first Costco. A Washington Post story on his visit reports, “Biden’s cart held, among other things, flowers, children’s books, fire logs, a 32-inch Panasonic TV and a large apple pie.”
This story got me thinking. Where will Joe Biden eat that apple pie? Who will join him for that apple pie? What if he invited me over for a slice of that apple pie?
Here’s what I would say to the Vice President over a slice of his apple pie:
- First, Uncle Joe—ahem, I mean Mr. Vice President—let me start by saying I’m so grateful for the invitation to join you for this apple pie. I promise you and myself I will be no more creepily star-struck by this occasion than was Leslie Knope when she met you recently:
- Someone told me they once saw you at the Georgetown Whole Foods. Is this true—do you really ever make your own errands to that Whole Foods? If so, I would visit that Whole Foods much less annoyed by its Whole Foods-i-ness and much more hopeful for its smile-of-Joe potential.
- What is your favorite kind of beer?
- You seem to me like the kind of guy who really likes chips. What is your favorite kind of chips? And how do you get access to your favorite chips if you have a sudden craving—is this where the spontaneous Whole Foods trips come into play?
- Could you please tell Jill that she is a positive role model for English majors everywhere? And is there a time when I could do an informational interview with her to learn more about teaching English at a community college?
- Who’s your favorite football team?
- Here’s something I’ve been wondering about for a month. I saw a guy driving a riding lawn mower inside the gates of your place on Observatory Circle a while back. He looked like a real average kind of character. Confirm my hunch—is he a nephew of yours from Delaware or Scranton? ‘Cause I kinda feel like he has to be.
- Speaking of your nephews…any single males in your extended family?
- Thank you again so much for the invitation to join you, Mr. Vice President. I’ve really enjoyed this slice of pie and cup of Joe.